i will no longer smash my heart with expectations

i just dont know

i feel im at a tough point in life right now

for every single thing in my life right now, i look at each thing and my thought is just: “i dont know”

i dont even have the slightest direction which way i should be going in life. What i should be doing

for the longest time, i built project after project after project...only for nothing to come out of it

You’ll notice there in that sentence that i CLEARLY had some sort of expectation to get a payoff from those projects

i never had any intention to make money with them. But i had some sense that they would lead me with clarity to a sustainable life path (which i want)

lots and lots of expectations since around 2017 when i really started creating stuff

now i have one last tech idea to create into the world. But ive chopped expectations and value completely from it. Sliced it straight through with a sword. i dont have any expectations for this last idea. i dont foresee it adding value to the world or even for myself

the reason ive changed my stance is bc it doesnt feel healthy. Being attached to expectations and value almost always led to me forcing myself to create. Slave to myself. i dont want to force myself. it doesnt feel right.

i want to create whenever i can or feel it in my heart. if that’s one hour per week, then so be it. But you can also see how after almost a decade of forcing myself and over a year of intense focus on ONLY my own projects during unemployment...how there is now a void of uncertainty left

but this framework of expectations is how ive always viewed the last years of working on projects. so now what i always thought to be my main way of adding value to the world AND my main way for determining what i do in life...that no longer exists. And it’s just “i dont know” for everything

this is one big reason why im incredibly depressed right now. im not adding value or even slightly working towards adding value to anyone or anything. i dont know what im doing and i actually dont have any expectations that anything will help me gain clarity

i suppose i have a few hints at what i can do in life right now, but i dont expect anything from them

it’s hard for me to function when i cant even form expectations for anything. Like if i look at each thing in life and dont expect anything from that thing - even after analysis, it feels quite meaningless

like there is no alignment with anything

i do somewhat hold an ideal that it’s possible to have alignment from nature all the way up. You as an individual can do what you love daily and all your actions are mostly aligned with the collectives and individuals you interact with.

Not just that, but i believe that finding personal alignment in your life is where you start and that just scales infinitely around you. The more-abstract way to say this is just following your heart

Maybe this ideal is another thing i should purge, idk

if i had all the money and time in the world, i know exactly what id do...but i gotta stick with reality. i followed my heart and it never had payoffs. ill continue pursuing the path of my heart, but maybe my heart will only be clear to me one hour per week...

and i have no plan to continue smashing my heart with expectations any longer...

but what the hecc will i do in the meantime?

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